This time of year, families with shared-custody arrangements and family law practitioners face the difficult task of managing time-sharing during the holidays.
Parents are particularly busy and overwhelmed – often it is the busiest time of year at work, but parents are also managing travel or hosting large gatherings outside of work hours. Children are out of school and need more attention when parents are least available to provide it. Add extended family and competing holiday traditions to the mix and cue the fireworks.
Last December, I wrote about the importance of defining the Thanksgiving and winter breaks from school, and each parent’s schedule over those breaks from year to year, in a detailed custody agreement, to reduce the chances of last-minute conflict around the holidays. You can re-read that article here.
This year, I am drawing inspiration from local psychotherapist Kate Scharff, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW. Kate has over thirty-five (35) years of experience supporting adults and children through dynamics, including divorce and shared custody. I found her recent video series on timesharing around the holidays to be terrific, particularly these messages:
1. You don’t have to celebrate Thanksgiving on Thursday!
Kate shares my belief that a detailed custody agreement (or “parenting plan”) that specifies where the children will spend Thanksgiving in even-numbered or odd-numbered years, or how winter break from school will be divided each year, can prevent disputes.
But she, like me, also encourages parents to think outside the box.
If one parent has the children on Thursday for the traditional Thanksgiving feast in any given year, there’s no reason the other parent cannot have their own “Thanksgiving dinner” with the children once they return that following weekend. But, Kate cautions, parents should never attempt to “split the day”.
I believe this holds true for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Asking children to transition between two separate gatherings within twenty-four (24) hours would likely prevent them from fully engaging in either event.
2. Kate also, wisely, encourages parents to “think before you call”. That is, think before you call your kids when they are with the other parent on a holiday.
To quote Kate: “Kids often cope with separation by staying emotionally present in the moment with the parent that they’re with, and a call can pull him out of that healthy defense and trigger sadness.” Before you insist on calling your children while they are with the other parent, Kate encourages the non-custodial parent to ask themselves, “Is this for me or is this for them?”
I could not agree more with Kate.
Of course, there are times when it is appropriate for the non-custodial parent to check in with the kids, particularly in the case of younger children who might be separated from one parent for several consecutive days. But these check-ins should be child-focused and timed to be the least disruptive of the children’s time with the custodial parent.
3. Finally, Kate suggests parents be open to making changes over time as your and your children’s needs change.
This is crucially important. The detailed custody agreement is a default in the event that modifications to the schedule cannot be agreed upon. But families change. Parents remarry. And ideally, children mature.
What’s best for the kids in pre-school might not always be what’s most enjoyable or convenient.
And parents should have the freedom to make child-focused changes to their parenting plans around the holidays.
You can watch Kate’s video series in full on her Instagram page @kate_scharff, or on LinkedIn here.
Meg Rosan, Esq., is a shareholder at Bulman, Dunie, Burke & Feld, Chtd. She manages the firm’s Family Law and Mediation Practice Groups. As a mediator, Meg frequently assists parents in negotiating holiday time-sharing schedules. As court-appointed counsel for children in custody cases, Meg regularly makes recommendations to the Court regarding holiday time-sharing schedules.
